"Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens." -Carl Jung
So it’s taken me over three months to decide how I want to jump back into this blog. I started this whole thing a few years back as a way to hold myself accountable through my healing journey, and as a humble source of knowledge for Yoga and Ayurveda, the two ancient sciences which I believe now more than ever are the path to ideal health for everyone. It was a beautiful intention but one I now feel ready to say hasn’t made the impact I was hoping for. My objective did not manifest the way I'd intended and if I'm really taking this opportunity for honesty, I know that I did not put in the work I should have to make it so.
Thus, I’m regrouping, reorganizing, refocusing. I am retracing my steps and getting back to the basics, and mostly asking myself “what is it that you truly want?”. Well, I want to be healthy and happy, damnit! That I do know. So here I am, back to the drawing board (isn't that all of life, anyway?).
It feels like the past few years have been an absolute whirlwind. I think I am at the point where I’m not entirely sure that time exists, and if it does, it definitely works differently now. I think all of us have some degree of trauma from the pandemic. I know I definitely felt it creep out when masks started coming off in the last couple of months. I still feel weird when I go to the grocery store and most of the workers are bare-faced. I fully understand the reasoning and my logical brain tells me it’s all okay, but part of me still doesn’t entirely feel okay. I guess that’s okay too.
I decided that 2022 would be my year of self-care/self-love, because 2021 was pronounced as my “year of courage”. I wanted to put aside my anxieties, put myself out there more, and inspire the masses! I’m not sure if my goal for 2021 was all that successful, at least in the way I imagined it, but I feel that in order to be at the current stage I am - to be willing to look at myself genuinely - some kind of magic had to happen to get me here. Actually, you know what, I’ll say I was successful! Because acknowledging my achievements and being proud of myself are kind acts, and I am determined to learn how to be nice to myself (surprisingly, another realization I've had in the last couple of months is that I'm not).
That’s been an ongoing theme for me in life, I’m a bit ashamed to admit. A whole lot of talk, with a whole lot of inaction (some great action too, but those will have their honorable mentions once I take full responsibility for mySelf). But if we're talking about truths here, another one is that it’s never my intention to not follow-up on my goals or promises. In fact, I always feel I have an earnest desire to succeed and be better! I want to do what my heart sets out to do every single time. So why does that disconnect happen so often? It’s an answer that I desperately need to know. And I think others do, too.
Practicing yoga and meditation allows us to polish our awareness. We practice yoga to make space where there is not, and in that space, we are able to see things we we not able to before. We begin to grasp this notion of Self - our true selves. Not the selves that have been conditioned by the countries or cultures we’re born in, religions we’re raised in, the things our parents teach us, or even the life experiences we've had, but the selves that reside in the deepest part of our souls. The Self that lives there has existed from the beginning, it’s a voice that when we quiet everything else, speaks to us in the languages of Infinite Wisdom and Universal Truth. Yes, it's true, we all have access to this. I have noticed that the deeper I get into my practice, the more of my true Self I am able to witness. And with that sight, comes a lot of answers and realizations. One of those realizations being that I haven't been living in a completely authentic way. That means that yes, I might want to live a life that is completely transformed by the power of yoga and Ayurveda, but the fact of the matter is I'm not really achieving (or sustaining) that life because I'm not "walking the walk" -not in a consistent enough way- so to speak. Going through the motions (meaning, not being fully present during a yoga or meditation practice), doing the bare minimum just to say that I did it, and checking off my to-do list so it appears to others that I have it together is not going to help me actually tune my instrument and achieve my goals. And I have a lot of ambitious ones. Time to be honest with myself and go beneath the surface. Time to look into the mirror. And time to surrender.
In the past week or so I feel like I've started seeing things a lot clearer than ever before, like I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. This makes me believe I’m heading in the right direction. I feel this way today as I'm writing this, but I didn't feel so hopeful a month ago. I actually started feeling a bit lost again. My momentum on my weight loss journey has slowed, as has my motivation to heal overall. This realization made me start panicking and I began relying on unhealthy coping habits which included totally repressing my feelings and allowing myself to indulge in pleasure without balancing it all out. Cue: feeling like utter crap mentally and physically. Cue: losing hope. Cue: what felt like depression! That was it for me. The depression thing woke me up because I spent a large chunk of my adolescence and 20s in a darkness that almost killed me. I knew I never wanted to go back to that frequency ever again.
One particularly low day a couple weeks ago, I paused my sadness and read a memoir by one of the yoga teachers I have followed for years (before I ever started practicing myself) that details her experiences with love and loss. She went through unthinkable tragedies and she overcame them all. I needed to know how she did it. I finished the book ("To Love and Let Go" by Rachel Brathen if anyone is wondering) within two days and it jolted me awake. I cried through the whole thing. I think I've always felt an interesting commonality with Rachel. We're the same age and I've followed her yoga journey for over 8 years. I was reading her intimate thoughts when she was going through the thick of it (something she chose to do publicly to process her pain). She was actually one of the people who inspired me to write a blog and start an Instagram devoted to these Indian teachings I so cherish now. Her book summarized so much of what I already know: the only way out is through. Through the pain! Through the discomfort.
In yoga when we come into a difficult asana or pose, our teachers guide us to “breathe through it”. “Breathe through the discomfort, breathe into the space”. I remember when I first began a yoga practice, I couldn’t touch my toes standing up. Even when I was a serious athlete in high school I was never flexible and couldn’t touch my toes then either, so when I started attending yoga classes, I didn’t expect miracles. I accepted that I always had tight muscles and that’s just the way my body was. We would do a Vinyasa flow and my hamstrings would cry during the forward folds and the down dogs. But I didn't let myself get too frustrated and I did as I was instructed to do: I breathed into the discomfort. Today, I can almost touch the palms of my hands to the ground in uttanasana (in standing forward fold). I created space where there once wasn't any. And that realization/comparison led to my lightbulb moment. That's actually what I'm doing in all areas of my life, even off the yoga mat! When we invite discipline into our lives, that's exactly what we are doing; we are creating space where there once wasn't. That's why it hurts. It's uncomfortable and your mind tells you there's something wrong because you're changing your pattern and your reality makes a little less sense now. When we're holding an asana, our bodies often shake. Our teachers remind us that's normal. "It's the body's way of returning to homeostasis. Breathe through it". The discomfort is where the breakthroughs begin to occur. Instead of avoiding it, go through it, and remember to breathe the entire time. Each time after that, the space becomes smaller because we fill it with wisdom, with vitality, and with love. We fill that space with our true Selves.
"The wound is where the Light enters you". -Rumi
When the yoga studio where I work announced an Ayurvedic spring detox cleanse, I jumped at the chance. "Here is my perfect opportunity" to refresh my body and mind I told myself. It's a great time to refocus all my goals and do some spring cleaning on myself". So here I am!!! Hear me roar, Universe!
I decided to really get in deep with the cleanse, and I will be detailing my entire 10-day experience here! What does an Ayurvedic cleanse look like? What do you eat? What do you do? Is food the only part of it? I'll be sharing it all.
Though it's only the first day of the cleanse today (out of 10), I feel motivated and excited. Among the anxiety, apprehension, and irritation, there is indeed true joy. I am definitely feeling the anxiousness the most (at least today). I know that certain comforts have been taken away or restricted, and so I feel the vast space of that. "It's okay", I remind myself. "It's okay to feel discomfort". I remember that I'm on the right track if I'm feeling it.
I say that I'm on a mission to fall in love with myself because I believe that true unconditional love for oneself manifests in consistent self-care, and I know that if I'm not doing those things, or making deals/compromises with myself to "get out of" doing those acts, I'm only selling myself short (for example, telling myself "oh I'll just get to it tomorrow, I don't feel like it now"). And I'm not showing that I love myself with my actions. And I think the first step of finding that love is to become comfortable with the space I’m making. So today, I am taking a moment and remembering that breathing through the discomfort is the first step. When it feels like a lot, I can just “breathe into the space”. Tomorrow, it'll be a little bit easier. I know that now, too.
Really great post! Good luck Aleks! ❤️