This is the second part of my weight loss story. Click here to read the first part.
I remember I had just quit another job where I was very unhappy. I was looking for a new career and doing everything I could to brainstorm for a new direction. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I just knew that the monotony of sitting at a desk and working for others did not feel innately right to me. It made me miserable. I felt so lost, but there was a shred of hope that sparked within me. I took advantage of having more time to myself and started researching healthy ways of eating. It was fun and made me feel engaged. I don’t actually remember how I came upon Ayurveda again, but it struck a chord in me. I say “again” because it was not a new word for me. I had actually heard it from my father when I was a kid. Both of my parents are into alternative and homeopathic medicine, so I was lucky to have a foundation laid in the world of natural and holistic healing. My dad was deeply into various Eastern philosophies and Ayurveda was something he briefly studied. In fact, he even traveled to India once and had an Ayurvedic doctor treat him for a knee injury. I remember making fun of the way the word slipped off of his tongue – his Polish accent made it sound funny to me and I teased him for it. I didn’t know anything about it from that innocent, silly interaction and what a major role it would eventually play in my life.
I was very athletic in my teen years, so I craved a return to that. I decided to start jogging on a daily basis and to limit my consumption of processed foods and takeout. I’ve always loved cooking and decided that I would learn to cook healthy and commit to cooking at home regularly. I also signed up for WW a second time and dedicated to tracking my food each day. It was so seemingly impossible those first few weeks. At first, I could not get by without “cheating” – that is – eating something that I knew I shouldn’t be and those somethings were usually outside of my daily budgeted calories. I did not track all my food every day, especially those cheat items. I wanted to change, but I couldn’t face myself. I was actually lying to myself by refusing to hold myself accountable! I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurt in the beginning (physically, emotionally, mentally…hell, even spiritually), but I kept on because to be frank: I had fucking had enough. I was tired of feeling sick and having a hard time doing basic activities (walking to work from the parking lot or walking up just one flight of stairs became difficult), and I was tired of not feeling like myself. I knew that I had the potential to feel physically good and most importantly to feel happy, and I made the leap for myself and for my health. Slowly, I let go of wanting to be perfect (a form of black-and-white thinking which honestly never served me and was likely a cause of some of my imbalances) and I started being consistent by reminding myself of what I wanted. Even if I didn’t do everything like “I was supposed to”, I would re-commit multiple times a day and I would try and do better. So what if I ate half a large bag of white cheddar popcorn? I would still end my night with some steamed veggies, damnit! Like learning anything new, these principles began to stick in my brain and a lot of small positive decisions for my health started adding up.
Before I knew it, I lost my first 25 lbs. I started feeling confident again and began to date (anyone who has dated in LA knows how ridiculous that can be) and after a few horrendous nights out, I got lucky and met my (now) wonderful fiancé Adam. Through his earnest support, encouragement, and overall deep love I found the strength and motivation to continue my journey. I was in the healthiest relationship I could ever remember and I wanted to evolve into the best possible version of myself, so it felt easy to stay determined and keep going.
The more I learned and adopted healthy habits, the more I came back to Ayurveda, and the more it felt right to me. Everything I read about this ancient tradition made me feel even more curious and excited. What I loved (and what surprised me) is that it isn’t just a diet, it’s a complete medical and lifestyle science catered to each individual. In 2018, I decided to redirect my life and I enrolled in a school and began my formal Ayurvedic studies (which I am continuing to this day!). I started learning more about Ayurvedic nutrition and how important rituals surrounding food are to support optimal digestion. I also learned how vital spices are and how they can affect digestion, mood, and your overall state of mind. I started experimenting and began eating more whole foods and grains (ones that were seasonal), nuts and seeds, and using different spice blends. I started seeing very positive results: in my digestion, in my mood, my skin, and my energy. Effects that amazingly enough, I experienced only after three days of eating within Ayurvedic guidelines. I started eating more vegetarian meals which were on the simpler (though delicious) side, and before I knew it, I lost another 20 lbs. I wanted to go deeper still.
Upon immersing myself in Ayurveda, yoga began its inevitable call to me. As sister sciences, these two disciplines are intertwined and practicing them both consistently offers the attainment of optimal health. The importance of yoga was taught to me on more than one occasion in Ayurveda school, but to be honest, my stubborn nature did not want to commit to a yoga practice at first. It wasn’t because I didn’t believe in the potential benefits, it was honestly because it was so hard changing my habits that I kind of dreaded taking more on. On a quite random and fateful day, I met my (now) yoga guru who came to be not only my teacher, but my employer, and dear friend. I found her studio at the end of 2019 after insisting ignorantly that there were no Ayurvedic practitioners in my area (literally after saying those words whilst sitting in Adam’s car, he miraculously points to a business across the street from where we were parked with the words Yoga + Ayurveda in the name!). Ok, so it was a sign. A blatant, almost hilariously ridiculous sign, so I did not wait to reach out! Within the span of a couple months, the stars aligned, and I was hired to be a yoga host at the same studio. It was impossible not to attend class and I became addicted to being part of a yoga community. I loved giving hugs to my fellow yogis who were seemingly just as convinced of the divine benefits of yoga. Even if we were different people, we were united in the practice of yoga. It was so cool to experience the yoga collective - it really felt like home. I became so convinced of the magic of yoga, in fact, that I signed up for a 200-hour yoga teacher training just a couple of months after starting a regular practice. It was kind of a crazy move, but I went with it anyway.
So yes, I became convinced, right? But what I didn’t mention was how much it sucked at first. It was not easy getting into poses and it was even harder staying in them. I could not harness my breath and I would sweat through my clothes after every [beginner’s] class. I was so self-conscious, especially around others. I constantly worried about how loud my hard breathing was, how silly I looked when I would slip and slide because of my sweaty palms, and felt embarrassed when I couldn’t fold as deeply as everyone else. I would be pissed at myself – for not being as flexible as others, for letting myself get so big, for giving up on exercise (so now it hurt more), for deciding to do something that seemed too hard and overwhelmed me. I would feel angry during and after classes and wondered if I would ever build the strength to keep up with everyone. I would question my decision to impulsively join a teacher training while I still kind of felt like I didn’t know what I was doing and I was struggling (especially so during the more difficult sequences taught in training). But Keely, my teacher, saw something in me and kind of like a mother, knew what was good for me, even if I didn’t yet. I tried to keep as positive an attitude as I could. I figured that even if I couldn’t really believe in myself at first, it was nice that someone else cared and I’d at least do it for them until I learned to love myself a little more. Time went on, and everything got easier. Never really fully “easy”, but it started feeling doable. Sustainable. My hope grew with my newfound strength.
By the time I graduated from my 200-hour teacher training at the end of 2020 (and less than a year after starting a yoga practice), I was 210 lbs. – 65 lbs. from my heaviest weight. I was a whole heck of a lot stronger too, and not just physically. The more yoga and Ayurveda I practiced, the less I wanted to eat meat, so I made the decision that beginning January 1, 2020 I became pescatarian. I am certain that has contributed to my better health as well. It wasn’t an easy choice as I had spent my entire life as a carnivore and particularly a big fan of red meat. It was primarily a spiritual reason for me, as one of the main teachings of yoga is ahimsa, or non-violence, and refraining from eating meat is one of the manifestations of this teaching. In Ayurveda, too, we learn that eating meat produces karma (though it is totally acceptable to eat meat during times of seriously illness). I’m not really sure why, perhaps it’s because I feel that I’ve produced a lot of karma in my life (or lifetimes) or that maybe I just want to break the karmic cycle a bit, learning that tidbit of info really inspired me to commit to give up on most meat. There may be a day where I become fully vegetarian (or even vegan, a lifestyle which I have been greatly enjoying as of late), but for now I feel good about the progress I’ve made.
Today, I weigh in at 195 lbs.! It feels really wonderful to be in “onederland” as they say in the weight loss community, and it’s kind of surreal. Not just that, I am also beginning my next yoga teacher training this weekend (300-hr)! I never thought I’d be able to make it this far. I still have a while to go until I reach my goal weight of 145 lbs., but I definitely know I can do it now. I’m still very far from perfect. There are days where I hate my body again and don’t really like to look in the mirror, or I do stare at the mirror for way too long and wonder if I or anyone can actually tell that I lost over 80s lbs. There are times when I plateau with my weight for weeks at a time, and some weeks where I only end up attending one or two yoga classes, but I’m honestly okay with that, because when I look at the big picture, I know that there’s a major upward trend! I still have days where I indulge in fast food or takeout and I’m not 100% consistent with an Ayurvedic lifestyle, but I will keep getting closer to harmony. I don’t feel that improving my discipline is a punishment (even though it’s really hard) but quite the opposite. The more I participate in the practice of yoga and Ayurveda, the more healthy I feel. I have learned the true meaning of love and respect through the actions I have been taking with self-care.
One of the major lessons I’ve learned on this journey is that making an official decision, or resolve, to do something makes a world of difference. It’s different when you’re an adult and you’re only accountable to yourself instead of a parent or guardian; personality responsibility becomes a vital ingredient in the formula to success. In yoga, there is a term called sankalpa, or a sacred vow. There are different types of sankalpa, but the main idea is that you remain committed to something, and your awareness of the task persists as you dedicate each practice to it. I see it as a practice of sheer Will. There is something liberating of taking control of your own life and to me, that is really what making a resolve is. You decide it, so it will be. Once I decided I wanted to be healthy, I remained extremely conscious of that in every decision I made from that moment, and it has helped me tremendously.
I started my yoga journey not being able to touch my toes and thinking I never could, and I can now practically place my palm down on the ground (much to my pleasant surprise). My weight loss journey began in a kind of parallel manner, with me not believing in myself and feeling totally lost to being excited about living and learning to love myself along the way (all while also being surprised I ended up this way). I expect to spend the rest of my life being a student of yoga and Ayurveda, and though perhaps a bit daunting, that thought mostly comforts me because I know that the more I learn the more I will improve in my health. I fully believe that it is my dharma (my highest purpose in life) to bring these teachings to others, in the hope that it will help to heal and inspire self-love, as it has done for me. Though I initially believed that weight loss was my main goal and focus, it has become a peripheral bonus so to speak. I still want to reach a healthy weight, but I am more focused on my overall health and the journey to get there. I have discovered that the attainment is great, but true wisdom comes from learning how to walk the path.
Stay tuned for an upcoming post where I will review what I usually eat in a day to lose weight.
Why do I call my journey back to balance my “jivari journey”? Find out in this post.
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